FRIENDSHIP DEFINED REALISTICALLY

 

Nothing could be a looser definition of friendship as social media giant Facebook has presented it for us.  Click away and you can be friends with most anybody you desire, including complete strangers.  Clearly a way that could cheapen the deeper meaning of the word.

But why would it be of any significance to have regard for the word?  Because in times past civilizations had always kept it in high esteem, an enviable state to earnestly aspire.   Think of the classic friendship of Damon and Pythias of lore.  When Judas appeared before Christ for what possibly was the last time prior to His passion, Christ addressed him with the title of friend, to add to his other titles of anointed apostle and trusted keeper of the purse.  Christ had the intention of bestowing upon Judas a pinnacle of human relationships.  One that made him almost at par with the divine kinship of Christ.  And even Shakespeare in the impassioned speeches of Brutus and Anthony, made liberal use of the word friends to address and appease the restive and mutinous crowd after the assassination of Caesar.

Our revered elders had officiously held almost sacrosanct the concept of friendship, way beyond the BFFs we assign randomly with some of our FB friends.

It behooves us then to revisit this concept, dissect, and ultimately redefine and prioritize it, from the heights of platonic relationship down to the casualness of nodding acquaintances. 

BTW, I often hear about love and friendship in the light of unconditional rigor and dedication.  Thus many expect parents to shower their children with love that knows no bounds and without limits.  Or among friends, taking nothing off the table to maintain and grow that friendship.  I say that these are such unattainable standards, bound to suffer failure once tested to the fore.  After all man is not only flawed and weak, but is intimately tied down to a hierarchy of values he has to follow. 

Like that all things considered, for example, man is expected to save his own soul over and above everybody else, children and BFFs included.  God has said that when man comes to Him in judgment He demands no witnesses or intercessors.  One comes with the deeds he had done in life and that alone will provide the basis to convict or acquit him.  That will be the only criterion for one to merit heaven, or hell.  Not even the testimonies of your benefactors will mean anything.  At that instance God’s mercy is shunted aside, and only God’s justice will come into play.

Thus the need to be smart and practical in the conduct of our friendships, lest we go beyond the bounds and cross over to sacred grounds where other relationships cannot tread.

Let me bring in a personal anecdote showing why we need to bring out into the open honestly and dispassionately our differing understanding of friendship.

I worked in California for a quarter century, toiling hand in hand with people from all over the world including other parts of the US.  And in the process, developed work and personal relationships with all sorts of people from very diverse locations and cultures.  Some relationships more intimate than others depending on common interests and orientation, and depending also on work assignments.

I worked mostly in IT which from the start was always defined under a very small department.  In the earlier days at the cusp of the computer revolution it was then called EDP, that is, Electronic Data Processing.  For us, most times that miniscule unit was composed of two people, me and a fellow employee that I had known at the start of our employment in the hotel industry.

In short, we got very close beyond just the work environment, exchanging info about our families and past lives.  Though we had different homelands, the discovered similarities were quite striking as to make both of us share many similar backgrounds.  Him coming from a small country in Central America, he was intently proud of his old country and his upbringing.  Not much different from my own views with regard to my life and times in the old homeland.

Anyway, one day he confronted me with a hypothetical case about friendship, with obvious reference to our own.  Supposing if, he said, he traveled to Mexico and was wrongfully detained.  Not having any other viable option, he called me up in the dead of night to seek my help.  Would I drop everything and immediately attend to his request?

 

Taking time to couch my answer, I was quite deliberate in my reply.  I said it would depend on other circumstances.  Like my family situation, for one.  I drove my wife to work daily since she did not drive and the same with my 4 kids to their schools.  And I would have to see how to provide in my absence for the needs of my elderly mother who lived with us.

Relatedly would I be the right person to undertake such a crucial mission?  I had never been to Mexico, did not know the culture and language.  Etc.  The point being that there are many prior commitments that have to be assessed and prioritized; to be factored in to arrive at informed and effective decisions.

In other words, in reality one cannot be unconditional in such things because we all have prior commitments that may have higher priorities than others.  True especially if one has a family to consider.

The ironclad quality of being unconditional does not fare well when juxtaposed with realities.  It is bound to failure in observance because of prior commitments.

But in the middle of all of these are the countless friendships many of us hold and cherish, friendships that will not consummate beyond delightful camaraderie during joyous times, and quite rarely going beyond this during difficult times, not really requiring unconditional support and dedication.

Our fondest hope is that our friendships will not be so demanding as to be too difficult to maintain.  Because again after all, we individually have very committed responsibilities within our circle of family and relations.

In ending it is well to remember also that in the arenas of love and friendship, our God is a very jealous lover and friend.  He would not countenance sharing, nay, He would demand that our love and friendship be exclusively His.  The eye of our intention being singular – to love and please Him alone.

 

 

Are We All Judases?

 

 We know scant little about Judas and his life, apart from his ultimate treacherous act of betraying Jesus Christ for some silver.

But we do know enough from biblical sources to flesh out a picture of him that will have enough data to show us what kind of person he was.

It might surprise us to learn, since it would appear that depicting him is much like looking at the mirror image of ourselves.

Among the Twelve, he probably was a cut above.  He was not just an ordinary Galilean, he was from Judea and stood most probably above all of them in worldly experience and wit.   And for this, it may be the reason he was given grave responsibilities, like caring for the common purse, which to poor and lowly people counted much for their continued existence.

And everybody else must have thought highly of him.  After all when Christ declared that one of them would betray Him, not one of them offered any suggestion or clue.  Therefore, nobody even guessed that it was Judas.  As a matter of fact, when they learned it was him they were all struck with amazement.

So who was this man?

Scattered references about him can be gathered to learn more about him.

We learn that as an apostle he took on this life with eagerness and zeal.  He followed Christ everywhere and had said enthusiastically that nothing could separate them.  And he must have avowed faith and loyalty to Him in every occasion that presented him with the opportunity.

So what went wrong?

He was disappointed for He was “only Jesus”.  And even more disappointed that the kingdom he preached and promised was “not of this world”.  And even more so, because the kingdom was promised to those who were “poor in spirit”.

We may not be easily aware of it, but aren’t we all like that?  Not necessarily disappointed but blindly pursuing a kingdom that is of this world (temporal pursuits and pleasures) and tightly clinging to material things that invest our spirit with so much baggage.

Consider the plans we make and the associations with other people we join with and treasure, even those that partake of quasi-religious bent.  We are quite devoted to gathering ourselves together to declare our being Christian and Christ-like in focus.  But what have we truly done with regard to our dispossessed neighbors and even with our own personal lives?

On material possessions, a good number of us have barely enough to cling to  the kind of living we have been used to and could bear, but just as numerous are those of us who find our financial situations more than sufficient to pursue the kind of hedonistic living that society does not necessarily frown upon. 

So all of us go about our merry unequal ways the worse for wear from scarcity, or not really feeling surfeit for having pursued so much pleasurable temporal delights.

But “being poor in spirit” does not necessarily refer to the scarcity or abundance of material possessions.  It is more the spiritual nonchalance of one under both conditions so that the dearth or plenitude does not in any way detract from the destined purpose of man’s existence, the pursuit of Christ’s Kingdom.

No, not the temporal one but the one that comes after.

 

 

 

 

Shining a light on Christian-Muslim Relationships in Cagayan de Oro

Graphics taken from this link:     http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=399351&page=8.

 

 

Before anything, let me state that for me and the people I grew up with, the word, Moro or Moros, as used in our dialect, is indeed a name loosely ascribed to the Maranaos who reside in the Lanao provinces which abut our own province of Misamis Oriental, and as previously stated, since they were the most likely Muslims we had early contacts with. 

 But in a strict sense, many of my generation do have a deeper connotation of the pejorative, Moros, which judgment was derived largely from its usage in our island’s history.  As that of stubborn, bellicose and recalcitrant “bandits” who wrought mayhem and havoc in the southern parts of the island and also in the Lanao provinces.  And from whose numbers we got rudely introduced to the dreaded “juramentado” killings. And who also entertained no peaceable desires to integrate or be part of our communities. For my generation, the name Hadji Kamblon easily comes to mind because of his well-reported misdeeds when we were growing up.

By the way, the term Islam was largely unknown or unmentioned during our milieu, and credit this to our Catholic upbringing which demanded strict exclusivity derived from its claim as the only rightful religion, which then even discouraged fraternizing with any members of the Protestant sects.  But we did use the terms, Moro and Muslim (though usually spelled as Moslem) to refer to persons of that particular ethnic group. Thus, their religion was a non-issue in the many perceived differences we thought we had with them.

Thus while the experiences of other locals have partaken of a different color, in our own circle of relatives and acquaintances, we do not believe that we sheltered any anti-Moro bias toward them as an ethnic group.  Though we may have nurtured very strong and unequivocal negative feelings about particular Maranao personalities.

We definitely are able to provide anecdotal evidence to buttress this.

To the present day, any resident or even non-resident of the island who can trace his/her lineage to the Neri genealogy at the drop of a hint, will proudly declare to one and all that he/she is descended from the stock of Sampurna one of the royal families of the Maranao people.  Though the veracity of this claim may still be hazy or unresolved based on historical evidence, or in a worst case scenario, the basis of this claim may be woven largely with the stuff of legends, Neri descendants, even those too far removed from their Neri roots, continue to blindly adhere to this.  This touted legacy is valued largely for the renowned bravery and fearlessness of the Muslim heart and soul.  

It will indeed look at odds for the Neri descendants, which to this day represent a large swath of the population in the island of Mindanao, to house very negative attitudes toward this Muslim tribe while at the same time hitching their genealogy and fealty to this stock.  Unless, we can admit that they do have pride for this ethnic group, however romanticized it may have become.

As a kid of the 50’s it was not unusual to get visits from our supposedly-related Muslims from the Lanao provinces, dressed in their tribal garb.  My father being a lawyer, the visits were mostly for legal advice or to engage his services regarding certain cases.  I distinctly recall accompanying my father on his jeep as he drove to Dansalan City to represent certain Muslims in a case.  I carried and took care of his portfolio case, filed with his notes and other documents.

In the early 60’s, an elder brother, newly hired as a salesman of San Miguel Corporation, covered the Lanao areas, including Marawi City.  And it was then considered nothing out of the ordinary for Christians to be in such a position.

Then as late as the early 70’s, working for a bank in Cagayan, I and our manager drove to Iligan and to Marawi to conduct an economic survey of the two places for possible branch sites.  Again, we went around by ourselves, freely and unhampered by any untoward incident.

These and more clearly indicate that though during those times inter-migration was not that rampant, there was co-existence, however delicate or even uneasy it may have appeared.  And now we have within our midst large numbers of Muslims from other tribes originating from as far away as Zamboanga, Cotabato, Davao, and Sulu.

So is there anti-Moro bias in the city, enough to be labeled as common and pervasive?

In my opinion, the “squeaky wheel that gets oiled” issue in our comparative relationships with these ethnic groups continues as before to be the undesirable things reported segments within these groups perpetrate,  not only within our communities but including in theirs.  Such disdainful acts as the at times senseless terroristic bombings, the often indiscriminate gruesome killings, widespread use and ownership of deadly weapons, corruption in government positions occupied, the widespread sale and purchase of contrabands, and yes, even undesirable behavior in social settings.

For the last item mentioned, how many of us have Muslim neighbors close enough to be considered part of our extended circle of friends or families?  Or have neighbors that one can openly and unabashedly proclaim how good that has been?  For me personally, I cannot point to any one family, though tried I did to be inclusive in our renting out a few residential spaces we own.  And I cannot point to any of my close circle of friends or relatives who can relate incidents of this nature beyond whispers.

Maybe it is not anti-anything, but more  like keeping a safe distance from possible problems.  Thus our unsaid reservations may not be due to ignorance or misconception, but stemming from an innate desire to live safe and secure which ought to be most crucial to any society.

Lastly, so far it has been about observations and attitudes expressed and espoused from the eyes of the Christian population, and how the group has acted and responded when confronted with these thorny ethnic questions. 

So what about our ethnic brothers, what have they done toward seamless integration with the rest of the population who clearly are the overwhelming majority?  How will they answer the question whether they do or not shelter anti-Christian biases, especially as reflected and taught in their religion?

The Legacies We Think About

 

No doubt as we approach the back-nine segment of our short temporal lives, we start poring over the likely things that are past beyond our sojourn here.   When our bodies start the descent toward the sunset of its existence, we start worrying about what worthy mementoes to leave behind for our progeny, things which will endure beyond the years after our lives.  We weigh and sift through about some things fleeting, and about those that endure.  Fleeting because we live life in the flesh, but lasting because we believe in a soul and an afterlife.  Man being an inextricably composite being.

 We are talking therefore about legacies to be bequeathed.  Public officials and corporate bigwigs all the way to presidents and heads of state constantly talk about them, prepare for them, or gear their consequential actuations with them in mind.  So why not the ordinary mortal man?

 So what should we think about during our greying years?

 Many of us would focus on non-material things, rather than the temporal wealth which many view as not only petty and mundane but by their earthbound nature as beneath bequeathing to beloved children or grandchildren weaned on noble and mystical dreams.  We constantly are reminded that we should not leave much material wealth since they are prone to spoiling the receiver, dissipate their passion and intensity for living, deprive them of the purifying challenges necessary to make their lives more purposeful, etc. But again we  remind that man lives life in the flesh with all its wants and needs, and the easier that process is the better for him to think about his nobler goals and purposes. Expressed differently, man is more able to contemplate at the stars if he is not constantly looking on the ground for his food and sustenance.

 So with that in mind, we proceed to the task at hand.  What should our legacies be to the generation/s that come after us?

 For something more enduring and noble, we earnestly wish that the things we taught them, the examples that we lovingly provided, would all carry over to them like genes or DNA encoded in their very bodies and souls.  For we believe that would truly be timeless legacy.  And we add the caveat that defines our honesty, that everything we pass on to them we not only believe in but that we earnestly pursued them in our own lives.

 But for more temporal legacies we can list a few.

 Provision of shelter, adequate and decent, is one driving concern of modern families which lifelong pursuit eats up a good part of their time and resources.  A crucial and necessary accoutrement for living productive and decent lives, lives with integrity worthy of his kind.  And many lives have been less than commendable because of the dearth of good shelter, coupled and in tandem with the scarcity of financial provisions for the family.

 A good many of us spend our productive lives in employment.  From the start of our education we already have conditioned ourselves how we can become good, loyal, and faithful employees.  Of course we do not discount the fact that we would prefer being employed doing things that suit our likes and disposition.  Still many are employed concerned more about what that employment brings to the family and its existence rather than how well liked or adjusted one is to the employment.

 Wouldn’t it be a great legacy therefore to leave behind some business or enterprise that our progeny can continue after?  Many current entrepreneurs started much like that, inheriting the business from their well-provisioned ancestors.  And then on their own made the business even bigger and greater than before.  Look around and you will see how true this is in real life.

 Molding leaders rather than followers would indeed be a great legacy to leave.  Being in business and striking on your own is one surefire way to test not only one’s acumen and wits, but also bring out and hone leadership qualities dreamed only by many.

 Personally, imagine this as coming from one veteran of various employment.  If after years of employment, one engages in economic activities on his own one then experiences a role quite alien, from the learned perspective of an employee to that of employer.  In other words, after looking at things from one perspective, one suddenly opens a vista where one looks at things from the other side.

 A chance to look at things differently, and more importantly, to complete and round off the economic picture so commonplace in our lives today. 

 Get a chance to see how the other lives, the other side that has so few select members, and so uniquely privileged in many areas such as opportunities and access to the many beneficial things in life brought by progress and wealth.  And thus a chance to live a more fulfilled life.

 For most of us, Mother Teresa was the epitome and icon of personal sanctity, given what she exhibited in her solitary life in the mean streets of India and thereabouts.  But I also find Bill Gates as another likely example in a similar vein and on a grander scale.  A philanthropist on steroids who can declare with effective intention to an entire impoverished nation in Africa that he will undertake to educate all of its little children so that they can realistically hope for   a better life for themselves and their families.  An entire nation given the opportunity to live better lives.  And now in terms of impact and efficacy that is really something!

Wondering if Nonchalance has become a Virtue

 

 

Having lived in a foreign developed country for over a quarter of a century, one had tailored for oneself a suit of expectations meant to make life more smooth, less stressful, and contentment-defined.  A place to hitch one’s temporal future to. A defined environment where one would get clean and climate-controlled environment, both in private and in public.  Where people behavior in public places and roadways could easily be predicted as to make reaction and interaction reflexive and expected.  Or in fine, where things look or work well enough as to be satisfactory and demandable. 

 It was thus that in that milieu while one could definitely become nonchalant about the things beyond one’s own personal life, that would be considered  generally unacceptable.  Because in that milieu such attitude is frowned upon.  One cannot be unconcerned and passive.  The minute any thing goes awry the citizenry is expected or conditioned to howl in protest and demand redress at the soonest possible time.  Things being or done right was expected and demandable, with deviance from that standard not to be tolerated or be nonchalant about.  Overall, this made for a nice living for most concerned.  At certain places, things like the climate and the geography were factored in with desired sets of expectations.

Now fast forward to life back to the old homeland, in other words, life in a third-world country, where even the typical climate may be said to conspire to bring about its benighted state.  And immediately adjustments have to be made in expectations if one desires to retain one’s composure or sanity.  Occasioned by wholesale penury and squalor not only in the countryside but in all the nooks and corners of city life.   Where people behavior in public places and roadways have so deviated from what could be considered acceptable behavior, as to tread into the purview of illegality.

Being thrust into such a now challenging environment one’s hard-earned idealism had easily waned, or more appropriately, had been rudely blunted by continued exposure or immersion to the harsh realities.  One then starts thinking about nonchalance in a different light, as apt defense mechanism befitting the challenges of the times.  This time as a virtue?

Others may rather prefer the use of the word cynicism which we know is more judgmental.  But I say nonchalance is more apt, more middle of the road, or better, as safe fence-straddling.

Illustrations may shed light on this exposition.

We now live in a gated private subdivision with a perimeter fence, which is quite makeshift in certain areas.  And every day, we labor thru a commute of about 2 kilometers from the residence to our place in the poblacion.  Because of chaotic traffic conditions, our daily route has become circuitous and long-winded resulting in a doubling in distance.  This is done to avoid traffic chokepoints as much as is possible. From this, one may be led to believe that we are living hunky-dory lives, albeit spotted with a few petty inconveniences.  From that score, one could not agree more.

However, a more involved exposition would show dark underbellies that reasonably concerned people should not be able to ignore or be passive about.  At first, at least.

Thus to escape the madding crowd entry thru our gate brings us to more calming place where one could put one’s hair down and be at peace.   This however is only illusory since in my case looking beyond my back fence one becomes witness to penury and squalor elicited by squatter families living in decrepit shanties, slapped together with any material that can provide shelter and privacy.  With no indoor plumbing, no electricity, too many children per family.  Not even any defined access and egress to their land-locked place.  Clambering over the fences being one scarce option.

And that daily sortie into the rest of the city provides more evidence of the things wrong in the place.  In some places streets have been constricted by makeshift dwellings of squatters living practically on the streets.  Where street drainage systems are either non-existent or if present appear to work only during dry season, since runoff water coming from rain or the dwellings are ever present on the curbs and streets.  Sidewalks too in some places have become non-existent preempted by people living in very congested quarters.

Such a dire outlook, but I feel they all need to be said.  Since one now feels a pervasive and ever-growing sense of nonchalance on the part of the ever-lessening numbers of those others blessed and free from the clutches of penury and squalor.

Pretty soon these and worse will become the new normal in this society.  If they are not already.